


can you shut them up - who?- the voices in my head

by zalexvibes



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alex Blames Himself, Could be triggering, Hannah is Dead, Jalex - Freeform, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Takes place in Season One, We all need a hug, i cant tag, it was for me, jalex one-shot in three parts, justin is a sweetheart, light really light mention of self harm sleeping disorder and eating disorder, my baby is sad and it makes me sad, my heart belongs to zalex btw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:08:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25655650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zalexvibes/pseuds/zalexvibes
Summary: i dont know how to write summarys.Its basically just jalex.Could be triggering tho
Relationships: Justin Foley/Alex Standall
Kudos: 13





	1. can you shut them up?

**Author's Note:**

> i said it before, but english is not my first language, so i am sorry  
> it can be triggering!  
> btw, i got three or four prompts on wattpad for that, so they are included

He felt like getting haunted, while Alex was walking down the street. No idea where he was going, but everything was fine, as long as he got away from his home. More especially from the person at his home, who was sleeping on his floor for the last two weeks.

That person, better known as Justin Foley, was one of the reasons the bleached blonde-haired boy felt like getting haunted. One reason, but not the only.

There was this feeling of guilt haunting him, ever since the day of Hannah bakers’ suicide. Or did it start before that? Honestly, Alex couldn’t really remember, but what he knew was that it got harder and harder to live with it every day.

_Maybe I don’t need to live with it. Maybe I don’t need to live anyways_

Quickly he shook his head, to get ride of this thoughts. Just like all these posters said: “ **suicide is not an option** ”

Well, it was. It was for Hannah and maybe it could be his option too.

Or at least that was what the voices inside his head tried to tell him. Tried to tell him since month.

So why doesn’t he just listen to them and make all of that guilt an end? It was not like anyone would miss him. And it would shut these voices up and that was something he really wanted to happen.

Alex was exhausted and these voices were really fucking loud in his head, sometimes they were the only thing he could hear. Nothing around him, no other thoughts. Just these voices, telling him how it was his fault what happened to Hannah. That he doesn’t deserve to live, when he practically killed his best friend.

At this moment, he would look himself in his room, screaming in his pillow, crying and hating himself for being so damn weak. He shouldn’t cry. It was not up to him to cry, when he was the one hurting people. Hurting Hannah, hurting Jess, hurting himself and anyone else around him.

“This shit is just fucked up”

This sentence wasn’t meant to be said out loud, but he couldn’t stop it and before Alex realized it, the words slipped from his lips and he literally screamed them in the night. Down the river he was standing at. And for once, he was louder than the voices.

Finally.

Well, it was probably not for long, but still. For a minute they were quiet, quite like the whole world around him, as Alex began to get lost in his thoughts again.

His thoughts about this feeling of getting haunted.

Then he wasn’t only haunted by guilt, because he was an asshole most of the time, to the people who were there for him, no the since yesterday there was something else.

Now he got haunted by feelings and memories. Memories of the last night, which is the reason he tried to avoid Justin since then. Avoiding someone who literally lives in your house, is pretty hard but not impossible.

But avoiding the memories about what happened between them, the last night, wad definitely harder. A lot harder.

_Living with Justin foley is everything, but definitely not easy._

_It wasn’t even the fact that he drank the last cup of coffee this morning- okay, maybe that was part of the reason- but no. You can make new coffee or buy some at Monet’s, but what you cant do is getting the jock to put on a t-shirt for sleep._

_Mission impossible._

_The first night, it was surprising and Alex would lie if he would say he hadn’t stared at least a little bit. But who wouldn’t stare, if Justin fucking foley was standing – bare chested- in the middle of your room, looking like a lost puppy. A freaking hot puppy, but never mind._

_The thing is, this first night was supposed to be **one** night and not two weeks. Two weeks of having a practically half naked footballer sleeping on your floor, only a few meters apart from your own bed. And no, that is definitely and for a hundred percent nothing Alex could get used to. Not in a million years._

_And he tried everything to get Justin, to at least wear a top or something, but that “Stupid asshole” – to quote the Standall boy- stayed with his opinion that it was way too hot in Alex room._

_That wasn’t true and everyone who ever visited Alex knew that. His room was fucking cold and he was literally freezing every night. But Justin simply didn’t cared, about catching a cold, as long as he could sleep like he want._

_Stubborn, stupid and unfairly hot idiot._

_But to get back to the important situation._

_The two boys were both laying, like always, when Justin suddenly broke the silence: “Why do you let me stay here Standall? We both know you hate me”_

_That was a lie. Maybe Justin thought he hate him- and maybe Alex never did anything against that thought- but the truth was, he kind of really liked the Liberty-High-Star-Footballer. Maybe a little bit too much, not that he would ever mention that._

_No, the blue-eyed boy would rather die than ever admit that._

_“I don’t hate you foley”, was his silently response, after quiet a time. He needed to overthink these words. They weren’t any big words, but it took Alex some time to figure out what he wanted to say._

_“Yeah of course not. We all know that you are actually my biggest fan and secretly laugh me”_

_It was a joke and the sarcasm were clearly understandable, but for a short moment Alex’s heart stopped beating, just to continue that three times to fast after that._

_He couldn’t know right? He wasn’t that obvious about his kinda-crush on Justin, or was he?_

_“Standall? You still awake”_

_Oh yes, Alex was awake, but he was still busy to keep his heartbeat at least a little normal._

_Don’t act so specious Standall. God damn!_

_What can you say? To stop talking to Justin, was his first fault this night, then only seconds later, he felt the weight of someone sitting only a few inches apart from him, on the edge of his bed._

_“What the fuck, Foley. What are you doing? Go back to sleep”_

_That was definitely not Justin’s plan, then the jock didn’t even think about moving from where he was sitting. He was awake and he felt the bad urge to kiss Alex right here and now._

_To be honest, he felt like that since weeks, but hearing the other boy saying that he didn’t hate him, made Justin happier than he would ever admit._

_Of course, a “I don’t hate you” was far away from a “its okay if you kiss me, because I like you too” but it was better than nothing._

_“I am not going back to sleep; I am way too awake for that”_

_The only respond from Alex was a loud sight, before he finally turned himself around, to at least face Justin- as good as possible in the darkness the room was filled with._

_“Maybe you are, but other people need sleep, so please let me sleep”_

_He didn’t mention the fact that that would be the first night since days- okay who was he lying to? Since months, since Hannah’s death- that he would maybe get a few hours of sleep. Maybe if he did, Justin would have gone back to the floor and what happened only a few minutes later, would never have happened._

_“You are really cute when you seem so tired, Lex, you know”_

_“Did you..wait, Lex?”_

_From one second to another, Alex was suddenly wide awake, sitting up, looking a little confused at Justin. No one, not even his mom, has ever called him Lex, but from Justin it sounded like the most normal thing on earth._

_Which is was definitely not._

_“Well, it fits”_

_And while saying that, Justin sounded so confident about whatever he was telling, Alex just needed to believe him and then, the next thing he knows were the feeling of Justin’s Lips on his own._

So now, here he was. Trying to forget about the fact that his crushed kissed him the last night, which was stupid.

Well, trying to forget it was not. But that Justin kissed him, was.

So long had he dreamed about that and now that it had happened, all he could think was, that it was probably a bet or something. There was no way Justin Foley, liked him, Alex Standall.

Not. In.a.million.years

But as we all know, running away from your problems, or your feelings- or both at the same time- wont work in 99% of all cases and Alex definitely wasn’t part of that lucky 1%.

“You were avoiding me all day, why?” the last voice he wanted to hear today asked, from behind.

Alex didn’t look up, his focus still on the river. Would jumping down there be enough to die? If he would hit a rock with his head-definitely?

Maybe he should give it a try? Ignoring Justin and just doing the right thing for once in his life?

“Lex? I know you can hear me”

Of course, he could. The voices inside his head were back, but he could still hear him, he just didn’t want to.

He wanted to end it.

Sounds simple right? But could he do it?

The answer to that was a clear yes. He could. It could become his option than.

But was he able to do it, while Justin was still standing there?

Probably not.

“Lex?”

And again.

He wants to tell him to be quiet. Wants to tell him, to leave him alone.

Alone with his dumb feelings, his guilt. Alone with the pain, alone with his thoughts and alone with the tears, which were slowly falling down on the ground under him.

“Could you please tell me what you are doing here, Standall?”

_I am going to kill myself, so please go. I don’t want you to see that. It’s not your fault._

But that wasn’t what he said. He wanted to, but instead he said what he was thinking since the kiss last night.

“Go on, tell me. Tell me you don’t love me and how funny that bet was. How funny it was to play with my feelings, when you kissed me. Just fucking tell me”


	2. "who?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still kinda triggering i guess. maybe.

⚠️Suicidal thoughts and light mention of self harming. If you are struggling with this, please talk to someone⚠️

and yes there is going to be a third awful part, so I can Name it "can you please shut them up" - "who" - "the voices in my head" 

*****  
It was the second time this night he shouted something, even though he didn’t want to. He did it anyways, while turning around to face Justin, who actually looked shocked about what he just heard.

Maybe he was shocked because his joke went so bad? Because Alex found out he was just fooling around with him and his feelings.

It was dumb, but the blue-eyed boy was yet to much into his self-destroying thoughts, as that he could think about anything else. About the fact that Justin maybe seemed so shocked because he really liked him, there was no way that that could be true.

“Lex, no, is that what you are thinking?”

The voice of the jock sounded soft and it feels like his voice was somehow shutting the voices in his head up, but the second Justin stopped speaking they were back and all Alex wanted to do was crying.

Crying, screaming, breaking down.

All he wanted to do was dying.

Or was he already dead? All he could feel was the feeling of cold hands grabbing him, all these cold hands he was feeling all over his body. And the pain.

The pain of guilt and the pain in his stomach and Alex really couldn’t tell what felt worse. 

Does dying feel like that? Or is it just what he was feeling while dying, because he deserved it?

He was going to hell for being who he was, wasn’t he?

You killed her. You killed Hannah Baker.

She should be living and you should be living, shouldn’t it be like that? If you were never born, all of that hadn’t happened.

You can end that, do the one right thing in your life and finally kill yourself. Look at your arms, you faggot. You are weak.

Hurting yourself, but not ending it? That’s weak.

What would your dad say, if he knew he has such a weak faggot son? Don’t you want to make him proud and be strong for once in your life?

Then do it. Jump in that fucking river and die, loser.

And it was just then, when he couldn’t hear them talking anymore. It was impossible.

They were right. Killing himself would be for once the right thing. But before he could do it, he needed silence in his head.

Alex just wanted one minute with a clear mind, was that too much to ask for?

so, what are you waiting for? We don’t have forever.

You don’t want to annoy Justin any longer with your crying, so he could stop talking to you. Not that you were answering anyway.

Do it. Stop standing there like the freak you are and jum-

This time he wouldn’t let them finish talking. He was once screaming louder then them, he could do it a second time right? Even though it might be the last time.

“Shut up. Please, can you please shut them up?”

He hasn’t realized he was crying, until now. He hasn’t noticed Justin was talking to him and was standing so close.

Why was he standing so close? How long were they standing here?

Why was he lying on the floor, with a football jacket over his shoulders?

“Lex? Alex, who? Who should I should up?”

That was Justin’s voice, he could tell. He could hear him talking. Softly and silent, but near his ear so Alex could understand everything.

He wanted to hug the jock and push him away at the same time. Why was he even hear, when Alex was just a joke to him?

Kissing him to win a stupid bet, because he was fucking Justin foley who always wins.

But he wanted to hug him so badly, so he did it. Even if it would only last for a second and he would be dead the next. At least he had hugged him.

“God, Lex, why are you always so cold?” was the next thing he heard from Justin and then the named one hugged him back. Why was he doing that, if he hated Alex?

He didn’t answer, to be honest. He just tried to get nearer to Justin, because he was warm and it felt good. 

By now they were both on the gras in front of the river and Alex was basically sitting in Justin’s lap, but neither of them cared.

Justin, because it didn’t feel bad and he was really just worried about Alex and Alex because it felt like he got the voices to be quiet again and he didn’t cared why. Whatever he needed to do for a little silence, he would to it.

And if cuddling with Justin was the solution, he wouldn’t mind. And he wouldn’t mind if the other boy would get mad at him the next second, when he was realizing he was sitting there with Alex.

Actually, the bleached blond haired boy didn’t care at all right now. He was tired, hungry and cold. Everything hurted and all he wanted was silence and a minute of sleep. Maybe it would be better after that.

It wouldn’t be better, never. But he didn’t care. Not anymore.

He would die anyway and no one cared if it was sooner or later.

“Do you want to tell me now who I should shut up?”

And again, it was Justin’s voice who stopped him from falling to deep in his thoughts. Thankfully.

“The voices in my head. Can you shut them up?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk this is still triggering i guess. and bad, i am sorry

⚠️Still suicidal thoughts, but I don't think if the slight mention of self harming is still there. maybe also a slight mention of sleep disorder? i don't know how to set trigger warnings. i am sorry ⚠️

and yeah, I am finally done and I don't know if I like how it turned out, but yeah. anyways

with the words of Brandon flynns insta story : "stay gay, stay safe, wear a mask" 

*********  
“the voices in my head. Can you shut them up?”

Why did he tell him that? When Alex exactly knew Justin would just laugh about him, for hearing voices in his head. Because it made him even weirder and more of a freak then he already was.

Who on earth heard voices in their head and even believed them? It was weird and fucking stupid, which is why he never told anyone.

Well, not until now. Now while he already embarrassed himself, with crying and acting like he did. Now, while sitting here, in the middle of the night, near a river. Now he told Justin Foley. Without knowing why.

“Lex, what voices?”

The ones in my head. Its what ‘voices in my head mean’

“Hey, can you hear me? Lex, what voices?”

Of course, I can hear you. But I shouldn’t hear you, because you shouldn’t be here.

“Standall? You are staring to scare me, just say something. Anything”

Please leave and let me die. Please Justin, let me die.

“For Christ sake, Standall, answer me”

I can’t. You wouldn’t hear me; they are too loud for you to hear me. No one ever hears me.

“Alright, if you don’t want to answer me, maybe you will talk to your parents”

They wouldn’t hear me either. I don’t want to talk to them, I just want to be alone. I want to be alone and die, but I don’t want you to leave me. But you must and you will.

“Okay, well Lex, looks like I am going to call your parents. I am worried about you”

Are you? No, you are not. I am just a joke to you, you don’t even care about me.

“We going to get you some help. I promise, it will be better”

It won’t. It will never be better.

But all this words, were never told. Alex hasn’t answered him and Justin didn’t know how he felt. But the jock could see that something was wrong, which was why he was now searching for his phone. He needed to call Alex Parents, maybe they could help.

It was already his fault that it took him so long to realize something was wrong with Alex. How could he not see the sings? That cant happen again. Not to Alex. Not to his Alex.

“Please, don’t call them”

Finally, he was able to answer, but would Justin even hear him? Alex was talking as quiet as possible and maybe that was too quiet to be louder than these voices. Maybe Justin wont hear him, like everyone else, who never hears him. Not really. Not what he was really saying.

“Lex, you need help”

He thinks you need help, to get normal and stop being such a weak and pathetic faggot looser, who hears voices in his head. He doesn’t care about you. He just wants you to get away from him.

And that’s what he did. Alex suddenly tries to get away from Justin as fast as possible, it didn’t really work in fact.

Maybe it was because he had forgot the fact that he still sitting half in the other boy’s lap and Justin easily stopped him from moving away, or maybe it was because his way of ‘as fast as possible’ wasn’t that fast. Whatever it was, the result was just that he was now even nearer by Justin’s side then before.

“Don’t call them. Just leave me alone” his voice was stronger this time, colder. Sounded more like his normal voice, even though it was still broken, because of his crying. Then he added, way quitter: “Please don’t leave me”

Anyway, Justin seems to ignore the first part of the sentence and just hugged him tighter. 

“I would never leave you Lex”

His thoughts screamed: Liar. Liar! Fucking Liar! But for once he tried not to listen to them. Not because he thought what Justin was telling him was true, but because he wanted it to be true to badly, he would have done everything.

“But you don’t even like me. Why wouldn’t you leave me?”

After this question Alex would swear, he could hear Justin laugh, but he couldn’t tell why. What was so funny about this question? Or did he finally realize that he was hear with Alex and was now laughing about the fact that he really thought, Justin would stay?

“I kissed you” was then the jocks simple answer, which, in fact, didn’t explain shit. 

“Because of a bet”

“Because I wanted to. Who the hell told you it was a bet?”

You. 

Because you are Justin Foley and someone like you would never kiss someone like me.

“I wanted to kiss you Lex. Was it really that bad?”

Of course it was not. It was perfect. Too good to be true.

“Why?”

It was an easy question, but Alex was asking so much and he had no idea if Justin would even understand how much this one word meant to him.

“Why, what?”

“Why are you here? Why do you pretend to care about me when you don’t even give a shit about how I feel? Why did you kiss me, when it wasn’t a bet? Why?”

He got louder and louder with every word until he was nearly screaming again. Shouting this last word, this short but so mean full word, into the night, as if screaming would take his thoughts away from him.

“Lex, do you really think I don’t care about you? I care, a lot. And I kissed you, because I like you, also a lot, which is why I care. And that is why I am here”

Calling Alex’ Parents was now, definitely the last thing Justin was thinking about.

Was that really how Alex was feeling? Like he didn’t care? 

The only answer he then got, was a small nod from the blonde boy, barely visible in the darkness, but their faces were near enough by each other, to notice it. So, Justin kept talking.

“Alex, listen, I am not leaving and I am not calling your parents now, but you need to talk to someone. Hearing voices is not normal and we need to get you help”

Another nod. The shorter boy was tired of talking, all he wanted to do by now was sleeping, in this exact position. Justin’s voice kept the voices silent and maybe he would get some sleep now after all, just a bit.

“And tomorrow we are going to talk to your mom and dad, but for today to go home should be enough”

“They don’t know about this. They mustn’t know, it would just annoy them”

This time the hug didn’t got tighter, but Justin lent a little bit out of it.

Probably because Alex finally got him so really hate him.

But instead of leaving he just cupped the other boys face with his hands and slightly shoked his own head. “They would be never annoyed by you. I know your parents, they love you”

And you can tell, that Alex instantly regretted his next sentence, right after saying it. But he couldn’t fuck up more then he already did, so he said it.

“Is it bad that I want to kiss you right now?”

He was talking silently again, but somehow Justin managed to hear every single word, clear and for a moment he was the one to not answer and Alex instantly panicked. He was an idiot, so say something like that.

“Actually, it would be great Standall”

And so, they did it. Sitting there, in the dirt, near a river, sharing their second kiss and then their third and fourth and some more, before they were just sitting there for some more time and then went back home.

Both of them knowing that it wouldn’t get better over night and that they needed to talk to people. That they needed to talk to Bill and Carolyn first and that there were a lot of things to fix. And it would take time

But that was something they could worry about tomorrow. Not tonight. Tonight, they would just be Justin and Alex.

Not happy already, but also not broken forever. They would heal and they friends would. It wouldn’t repair their former mistakes and maybe nothing would be perfect ever again, but at least they would be near that.

Together it would work.


End file.
